Transmissions In Seventeen    - Sampler Platter  
 - Exhausting Collection  
 - Cowku For Better Living  
 - Haiku Fashion Plate Postcards  

You could say that I'm somewhat of a haiku connoisseur if you like. I'm a professional to be certain - successful because I write from experience. I write what I know. Hence, many of my haiku deal with real-life issues - issues like cows, breakfast cereals, and misunderstanding the question. The masses seem to respond to my edgy realism and hard-hitting scrutiny when staring in the face of nasty abrasions and tempting snacks, often in the same sentence. This is no summer school introduction to Haiku For Dummies. This is life, incontinently slashed with a warped pair of left-handed scissors and haphazardly strewn about into random piles of seventeen syllables. Yes, the wallpaper is hard on the eyes. But isn't it about time we started letting our eyes cross the way God intended? Just once, can't we get at the heart of the problem and let all of the other distractions just go fuzzy?

Listen, I think I just had some bad raisins, so I'm going to get right to the haiku. But let me quickly thank Tony and KC for being the first ones to nurture this freaky little writing twitch I have. If you have any comments, then good for you. Enjoy!

I wish I knew crafts
Then I could make some new pants
Of macaroni
When you're in my way
I can't buy more cereal
So move your cart, please.
My super powers
Demand that I don a cape
And wear some glasses.
Talk about round things,
Man, how about those circles?
Yep, they sure are round.
The size of my head
Can't be expressed with mere words
Unless it's in song.
See a penny, sir.
Pick it up with your fingers.
Try not to eat it.
This is your goiter
This is your goiter on PEZ
Any dispensers?
All of my haiku
Were written by my own hand
Except those I stole.
Why does that fish food
Look like tiny bacon bits?
Jealousy blinds me.
So no one told you
That haiku would be this way?
I've been here for you.
While it's on my mind
Let me say that you smell great
Keep up the great work.
If I had a dime
For every reader I have
I could buy soda.
If Mars does attack
They should use huge asteroids
But I won't tell them.
I think "Helmut Kohl"
Would be an excellent name
For my first daughter.
Sometimes I pretend
I'm drinking Aqua Velva
Instead of Kool-Aid.
Words used for healing
Like salve, lozenge, and ointment
Sure do sound funny!
Always remember:
A triangle plus one side
Is no triangle.
Carpe burrito!
Seize the border while you can!
Fill your spork with life!
Linger with us here.
We'll draw fish pictures, and play
Breakfast With Amy.
A big, purple lump
Who represents our milkshakes.
Why should I worry?
Fill in the substance:
Wordless songs and blurred pictures
Our happy montage.
There's this astro-guy
And he walks into this place...
I forgot the rest.
Hey, that's not a toy
You're piggy-backin' a bomb
Get off that thing... now!
Life is a Tex-Mex:
A chicken chimichanga
With, or without beans!
If you scratch my back
Then I'll give you an award,
Cuz that's a big back!
I'm a pirate, mate!
I've got a patch on me eye!
Arrgh! I'm a pirate!
The magic dance belt:
Flashy, trendy, practical.
Go get yours today!
My! Now that's sassy!
Toss that hair and throw that chin.
You do have the look!
When I feel mad, RATS!
The tire fell off my go-cart!
And boy, can I scowl!
My leather jacket
Makes me feel cool like Fonzie,
But look like Potsy.
If I were a bird,
I'd try to hold my B.M.'s.
How embarrassing!
Oh to be named Steve...
I'd give my eye teeth for it,
If I could find them.
I'm a Wonder Twin.
Yes, I still have that haircut
Just like my sister's.
I think of Hootie
And I think of the Blowfish.
I just don't get it.
I know there are trees
And I've seen there is evil
But trees aren't evil!
These pants ought to last
As long as I own my car.
That's a guarantee!
Ahhh, how short life is.
We're all yellow sticky notes,
Memos, for a time.
They paved paradise?
I still cannot find parking
Except in Egypt.
I drew the duck blue.
I'd never seen a blue duck,
But I wanted to.
¿Feo musica?
No fue mi tocadisco.
Eso si que es.
In this galaxy,
Darth Vader's a punk rocker.
The force kicks my butt.
Don't you hate it when
You meant to say "I'm sorry,"
But said "Whatever!!!"?
The mighty wiper
Single-wiperedly cleans all
The rain from the Jag.
Lots of my haiku
Are drawn from weird things in life.
Except for this one.
The Cartesian plane -
The most economical
Way to Cartesia.
When I was your age,
There was no cool poetry.
It all had to rhyme.
Can a cat survive
With just a single bongo?
Only if he's good.
"Peering through veiled glass"
Is a phrase I don't use much,
Though it sounds neat-o.
Of all body parts,
My favorite is the goiter -
A thing of beauty.
God good, devil bad.
Haiku dull, will to live gone.
Pants tight, nose itching.
Ponch macho, John shy.
Bike cool, helmet cumbersome.
Disco dead, show gone.
On a sunny day,
Take a little time to bathe.
You'll be glad you did.
When you said funny
I thought you meant like "ha-ha"
Sorry that I laughed.
If I were a toy,
I guess I'd be a Weeble...
Except I fall down.
You're incredible
It's not like you're amazing
I don't believe you.
Just wait one moment
And things will work out to be
As you first had planned.
Mother, come here please.
They've come to take me away.
Where are my shoestrings?
Though you are so cool,
Why do you munch Scooby snacks?
You're eating dog food!
Clap on and clap off...
I could invent cool gadgets.
Then they'll dig my scene.
Accolades to you!
You ate every last Frito!
You rock in my book.
I have a torso.
I wash all of it each day.
It's my best feature!
Earlier today
I talked to my pillowcase.
It surprised me too.
Is it hot in here?
Are you hot? I'm very hot!
It's like a sauna.
What's punch all about?
It's like a bizarre church drink
For boring events.
One piece at a time
It didn't cost me a dime
You'll know when it's me.
Mine will do cosine
But yours can find the cubed root.
My pursed lips tell all.
Day young, stomach shot.
Froot Loops crunchy, milk ready.
Breakfast served, life good.
He's country, she rocks.
Men from Mars, women Venus.
Boys don't cry, girls might.
Ears big, nose quite long.
Head enormous, chin massive.
Day cold, hat too small.
Where in Mexico
Is there a taco salad?
Only in punch lines.
Meat, beans, and more stuff
Thrown into a bowl you eat -
A single man's dream.
Make a big taco,
Then drop a salad in it,
Then eat with a spork.
Staring in my face,
The Beet on my lamp table
Won't leave me alone!
Asleep on my floor
My window sill Papaya
Keeps watch over me.
Oh paper Pepper,
What ties bind you to my desk?
You spice-like eye toy!
To attract new friends
Augment your PEZ collection.
PEZ is fun to eat.
I once saw Snoopy,
And chalk came out of his neck.
Then some kid ate it!
Fill your dispensers
With yummy PEZ brand candy.
Don't let it run out!
Suck the moisture out
Of all of those marshmallows
And I've got breakfast!
Cereal so sweet,
Cotton candy gets jealous
I miss Circus Fun.
I'll watch the world die,
And readily eat gravel,
'Cuz I eat Grape Nuts.
My poor cereal.
I'd rather read than eat you,
Dear literate snack.
I like Post Toasties.
I don't ever eat the stuff,
I just like the name.
I'm looking for you,
Mr. Cookies-For-Breakfast.
I really love you.
Snap, Crackle, and Pop
Are just three of the worst names
To give to an elf.
It's Nut'N'Honey!
It sounds like "Nothin' honey."
Man, that's such a hoot!

Link to the Thirteenth Dimension.